A letter to all my friends and family,
I want you to know that even if I don’t call, email or comment on your Facebook, I still consider you my good friend, possibly even one of my best friends.
I would love to have more time to spend with all of you and as you know would be thrilled to live in a planned community with all of the people that are near and dear to me so we can see each other and hang out all the time. Until the day I can make that my reality I will continue to hold you in my heart.
Please do not be offended if I don’t return your email or your phone call. I promise that it is not because I love you any less. My mom had to call me four times this month to get a hold of me and I never returned her calls. Not for lack of wanting to connect but because I never had a moment. She caught me at home on the fourth try. Mike asked if I spoke to my older sister over the holidays and I said no, I haven’t talked to her in months. I feel a great need to spend time with my younger sister while her boyfriend is here from Germany and haven’t had the chance to even call.
My life is busy, too busy for me to soak up all the wonderful around me. I am actively trying to slow down the pace with which I am sprinting through my life and at the same time as trying to fulfill my purpose, serve my community, and share my value with the world.
I am crying as I write this as I recognize that I am not giving my full value to the world when I am setting aside my kids, family, and closest friends in the name of what “needs” to be done.
I know my most important place in this world is where I connect with my children, partner, family, and friends. When we are in a state of joy, peace, happiness, and love. Laughing together and sharing our dreams. Then why is it so hard to find that place.
I know I need to care for myself, but when? I have committed one and a half hours per week for me to honour my body at Capoeira and yet again this week I will need to miss because of another commitment that I am choosing to make. My Gym membership goes unused for another month, hopefully this year I won’t be able to say another year, yes I should probably just cancel it.
So why didn’t I return your email?
I have 3 kids, 6, 3, 1. I home school which is actually, complete and total unschooling, thankfully they are naturally brilliant and seem to be learning on their own just fine. I am trying to repair how much I fucked up me second child by not connecting with him in his first 3 years because “I just needed to get one more thing done.” Why is it that there is always one more?
I left serving people at the office through chiropractic because I wanted a do over and wanted to do it right for my third. I have stayed home and instead of focusing on him I have felt obligation to others with the 5129 unread emails in my inbox and I feel like I missed his whole first year. I die a little inside each time I see our nanny sit on the floor and read him a book, I have never done that. I want a fourth child and don’t know if I will be a good enough mom to them or if I only want that child so I can have a do over for the three others I neglected.
I know I’m a great mom but I’m not living to half of my expectations of myself. Maybe that’s what needs to change.
I have a partner who I feel like I haven’t seen in over a year until just recently when we have had the chance to reconnect. The thing I love about those people that you know are part of your tribe is that you can disconnect for awhile and reconnect where you were before.
Speaking on picking up where things left off my family is scattered throughout the world. I don’t have family here at home. I see my parents and younger sister a handful of times per year since they are in the same country and my older sister in Europe every year or two. No matter how many weeks or months that go by between visits or phone calls I still feel just as close.
Some of the most wonderful people I have met in my life are here in Ottawa. Their presence in my life makes me feel like they are the reason I was drawn to live in this city. Yet some of you who I admire most and love so dearly I may see once a year. Others I see but only as we busily take care of business and rush off to take care of our families. How can we make more time? How do we slow the pace so we can spend time just being together?
All my friends and family who I have moved away from or have moved away from me, I love you just the same. You may be in Victoria, Winnipeg, or in Georgia but I think of you with love all the time and yearn for time together again.
In the busyness of my life I am reaching out to you in my heart and for now that is all I can do.
In between that time I am running a chiropractic practice from behind the scenes and also have been in the office working half time because Mike can’t do it all alone. I am full time working on building a business that will let me share me value with the world and transform our culture of birth, thus saving the world J. I am on four advocacy committees with meetings and commitments, I am an organizer of a film festival, am working with the government to see changes in our maternity care system to save women from the abuse and violations in birth. I have started a pregnancy support group and a holistic parents support group. I am out of the house every evening of the week and through it all I think I spend more time with my kids then most people, which I am eternally grateful for (a lot of that time is night time snuggles which I cherish like you wouldn’t believe). What gets sacrificed the most is you, my friends and my family.
I want to learn Spanish, play the guitar, and finish about 6 other courses I have bought and not used yet. One day I would love to learn to Salsa dance (with Mike), be awesome at Caopeira, and reach spiritual enlightenment.
As I sit here I am surrounded by piles of work to be done on a computer filled with half written articles, blog posts and books, reminder lists, and a to do list that never ends. I am doing the best with the resources I have. I know my dreams are bigger than me and I need to recruit help but that is my biggest weakness.
For now I am working my ass off to create the life of my dreams. That life includes you, so I apologize for the missed calls and the unreturned emails, you are still in my heart.