I have recently read posts online about how bottle feeding moms are being made to feel inadequate by breastfeeding mothers and about how the pressures to breastfeed are making those who choose not to feel like they are bad mothers.
No doubt that there are people out there who will judge bottle feeding mothers. It is no different for breastfeeding mothers.
We say “Breast is Best.” Which is true physically, nutritionally, mentally, socially, and emotionally for almost all children, I am not going to argue this point in this post just look at all the science and what is normal for humans.
We say “Breast is Best” but we do not support it in our culture.
Women are told they must breastfeed but are given a strict set of parameters to follow to make it socially acceptable. Breastfeeding is best until… 6 months… 12 months … 1 ½ years… 2 years but after that it’s just gross… wrong… socially damaging to the child… prevents independence… is sexual molestation and it should only be done in private… in the bathroom… under a blanket.
Yesterday I posted this picture on Facebook of me 8 months pregnant nursing my 5 year old and my 2 ½ year old. I posted it in response to a post on the Peaceful Parenting website. Within a couple of hours it was shared 17 times and had about 700 comments.
There were definitely many posts of support but also many post expressing disgust, judgement, and even accusations of abuse. There were also plenty of comments that show how uneducated we are as a society about breastfeeding, the benefits, and what is normal human behaviour. (I say normal as in what is normal for the human species not common in our culture)
The fact is that breastfeeding is best, period.
It isn’t that breastfeeding is best but only to a certain degree or in certain situations; it is that breastfeeding is best as long as it is working for both mother and child. I am not saying people need to breastfeed until their child is 2 or 5 or 7, or that someone is better or worse because of their choices, I am saying they should nurse as long as it works for them and as a culture we need to stop judging so women feel comfortable having the breastfeeding relationship that suits their family.
I will address some of the misconceptions that people have about breastfeeding as were expressed in comments on my picture.
“Breastfeeding is fine until 12 months”
The WHO, Canadian Paediatric Society, American Academy of Family Physicians, American Academy of Paediatrics all state either that breastfeeding should continue for 2 years and beyond or as long as mutually desired. There is no age limit.
The natural weaning age for humans is estimated to be between 2.5 and 7 years old. Giving breastfeeding moms parameters for which you find breastfeeding acceptable is just another way our culture sabotages the breastfeeding relationship. You should breastfeed for as long as it works for you and your child and support other mothers to do the same.
“You are depriving the unborn child of nutrients when you breastfeed during pregnancy.”
The human body is much smarter than that. The unborn child always comes first, nature knows that. There are different hormones that govern pregnancy vs nursing. When nursing, stimulation to the breast causes a woman to lactate, however when pregnant the pregnancy hormones take over. Pregnancy hormones override the nursing hormones and the milk supply dwindles and/or is eliminated entirely. The unborn baby will be the one getting the nutrients. Having no milk does not mean that the breastfeeding relationship needs to stop for the older child. Children nurse for a variety of reasons and one of the main reasons is for comfort and bonding.
“If you don’t stop them they will nurse forever.”
I have never met an adult that still nurses but I have met a 7 year old. Each child when not influenced by outside sources eventually weans themselves. For some that is at 2 or 3 years old for others it is a 6 or 7 but they do not nurse forever.
“Your child doesn’t need to nurse at that age.”
Who is someone who doesn’t know the child to say what they need or do not need. Children have needs beyond the physical. They have mental, emotional, and social needs as well. For my child she needs that time to reconnect and bond with me. It is her choice and when she decides she doesn’t need that form of comfort anymore she will stop nursing.
“If they have teeth they shouldn’t be nursing”
Some children are born with teeth and some get teeth at a few months old. It we used this logic not many children would make it to the minimum age of 6 months as recommended by all health organizations. Children first develop “milk teeth.” Theses are the teeth that they are supposed to have during the breastfeeding stages which typically only start to fall out around 6 years old.
“Nursing that long will damage their dental structure.”
This comment is taken from the fact that artificial nipples and soothers damage dental structure. This is not the same as breastfeeding. Also artificial nipples and soothers damage dental structure from birth not just when their adult teeth come in. The abnormal way of sucking on artificial nipples changes the development of the palate and this starts at birth, once adult teeth start coming in this type of sucking can change the angle of the teeth. Sucking on a breast is very different and at no time interferes with dental health, it allows for the normal development of the teeth, jaw, and palate.
“If they can ask for it they shouldn’t be nursing.”
Newborns ask for milk. They do it by squirming and grunting, crying if you don’t respond sooner. They are vocalizing their need for milk. Many children only a few months old can ask for milk using sign language and many under one can even vocalize their own word for milk. If we used this rule no one would breastfeed.
“It is just weird for a 5 year old to nurse.”
I have to admit I didn’t know that children would nurse that long until I became pregnant and educated myself about what is best for children and what is normal for humans. If I met a 5 year old on the street I would never think oh that child needs to be nursed. It just would never cross my mind, even now, but when you are the one who has had a relationship with that child that is based on breastfeeding it just becomes normal and you aren’t conscious of their age. Children do best when they are allowed to wean themselves at whatever age they choose. They are the ones who are able to judge what feels right emotionally for them.
“Who is in control you or the child?”
I do not believe it is my place to control another human being. My place is to give love, support, education, and guidance, to teach values, morals, and self discipline. In no way do I feel controlled by my child. If I don’t want to nurse I say not right now and she learns to respect other peoples needs and a great deal of patience.
“There is no longer any benefit at that age.”
Breast milk doesn’t stop being the most nutritious food on the planet just because your child is older (if that was the case why would anyone think there is any nutrition in cow’s milk). Milk is milk regardless of the child’s age. It is still nutritionally superior to anything else on earth. If my child is going to have a snack during the day and I can choose to give them the best food on the planet or something else. Also immune cells don’t stop entering breast milk when your child reaches a certain age. There is always immune benefit to breastfeeding. Besides the nutritional and immunological benefit that are pycho-social benefits to the child.
“If they are old enough to remember they shoudln’t breastfeed.”
What is wrong with remembering being nurtured at your mother’s breast? I assume this comes down to the inappropriate sexualization of the breast, why else would you be offended by having loving memories with your mother?
“If they are old enough to use a toilet they shouldn’t breastfeed.”
These 2 developmental landmarks are in no way associated. Some infants use the toilet and it is not because the parents hold them over the toilet and are lucky to catch a pee or pooh. It is because the infant is communicating that they need to relieve themselves and the parents are listening. Both of my older children were completely out of diapers before age 2 and started using the potty in early infancy ( 4 months fro my first and 4 days with my second). If I went by this I would not have made it the recommended age of breastfeeding.
“You should pump and give them milk in a cup if you still want them getting milk.”
Why would anyone go through all the effort to pump milk if they don’t have to? It’s ready to go at the perfect temperature inside my breast, what benefit would be gained by cup feeding my child breast milk when they can nurse directly from my breast. I believe this has to do with the sexualisation of the breast and how we some how see breastfeeding a child to be wrong or shameful, I address this further in another comment. This comment also shows that people do not understand how breasts function. The saliva on the nipple tells your breast what kind of milk to make and what immune cells need to be produced and transferred to the child. The immune benefit and psycho-social benefit of breastfeeding is lost when a child is cup fed. It is more than just nutrients.
“They should be switched to cow’s milk.”
Why would you ever switch a child from human milk to cow’s milk? Human milk is for humans, cow’s milk is for cows. Why do we as a culture think it is OK for a child to drink the breast milk of another species but not the breast milk of their own mother that her body made specifically form them? If you choose to feed your child other species milk that is your choice but why would you judge me for feeding my child human milk?
“They need to be eating food.”
This one really makes me wonder. I may just be really unaware of our cultures awareness of breastfeeding. It is possible for a child to have breast milk and other sources of nutrients from food. I have met plenty of nursing toddlers and preschoolers but I have never met one exclusively breastfeeding. Most children start eating food somewhere between 6 months and a year but they do continue having breast milk at the same time. Breastfeeding and solids foods are not mutually exclusive.
“You are preventing them from being independent”
Studies have shown that secure dependence in young childhood leads to secure independence in adulthood. That does not mean that a nursing 5 year old isn’t just as independent as a non nursing 5 year old. One child may go to their mom for hugs and cuddles the other goes for hugs, cuddles, and nursing, not that different.
“You are socially damaging them.”
There is nothing socially damaging about nurturing your child, through breastfeeding or otherwise. If anything it is the opposite. They are old enough to understand the nurturing they are receiving and can translate that into how they interact with others.
“It becomes an obsession for some women.”
I supposed this is possible, I have just never met one. The vast majority of moms that I know that tandem nurse or full term nurse do it because they feel it is best for their child to complete weaning when they are ready. They do not do it because the mom is holding on to nursing. Many moms would be happy to have their children decide they are done but are not willing to push that on them.
“It is molestation.”
OMG! There is nothing, NOTHING, sexually inappropriate about breastfeeding. No one is being assaulted or abused. This really shows how much our culture truly does not support breast feeding. How and why would you ever associate nurturing a child with molestation? The western world has inappropriately sexualized breasts and the female body and has deemed the normal function of female anatomy as pornographic and abusive.
What are you telling women with these statements?
“Yes you should breastfeed because it is best and you fail as a mother if you don’t but it is shameful and you are hurting your child in the most violating way if you don’t follow my rules about it.”
How can we expect women to successfully breastfeed when these are the myths we are telling people and the level of support women are offering other women.
Please note that many of the mothers who commented on this photo were breastfeeding mothers themselves but still offended by extended or full term nursing and continued to perpetuate these myths about nursing.
Women supporting women is the only way we will make the world of breastfeeding and parenting better for all, it is so sad that we attack instead.
Thank you to all the women who gave comments of support and helped to dismiss the inaccuracies that were posted.
If you want to go on Facebook to read the comments, you can’t. Within 12 hours someone flagged the picture as inappropriate and Facebook took it down because they said it violates their terms. I don not see which term it violates. Just another way our culture does not support breastfeeding moms.
Position Statements on Breastfeeding
“Breastfeeding is the physiological norm for both mothers and their children. Breastmilk offers medical and psychological benefits not available from human milk substitutes. The AAFP recommends that all babies, with rare exceptions, be breastfed and/or receive expressed human milk exclusively for the first six months of life. Breastfeeding should continue with the addition of complementary foods throughout the second half of the first year. Breastfeeding beyond the first year offers considerable benefits to both mother and child, and should continue as long as mutually desired. Family physicians should have the knowledge to promote, protect, and support breastfeeding.” -American Academy of Family Physicians
“Pediatricians and parents should be aware that exclusive breastfeeding is sufficient to support optimal growth and development for approximately the first 6 months of life and provides continuing protection against diarrhea and respiratory tract infection. Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child.” -American Academy of Pediatrics
“The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of life for healthy, term infants. Breast milk is the optimal food for infants, and breastfeeding may continue for up to two years and beyond.” -Canadian Pediatric Society
“Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended for the first six months of life for healthy term infants, as breast milk is the best food for optimal growth. Infants should be introduced to nutrient-rich, solid foods with particular attention to iron at six months with continued breastfeeding for up to two years and beyond” -Health Canada
“Exclusive breastfeeding is recommended up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond.” -World Health Organization
Follow-on formula is recommended by the manufacturers of formula until the preschool years (3-6 years old) to provide a nutritional “safety net” – why then is breastfeeding a child of these ages considered taboo if all you are doing is exactly what the manufacturers recommend (providing a nutritional safety net) BUT tailor made, 100% natural minus all the nasty preservatives and heavy metals – a completely bizarre culture we live in – with all the wonder of science, we seem to be getting LESS logical :-/
Thankyou for posting! Great to see another mother ‘out there’ writing and speaking eloquently about sustained breastfeeding – and also for dealing with detractors in goodly manner!
Are you aware of my book, Breastfeeding Older Children (pub Free Association Books, 2010)? http://www.amazon.co.uk/Breastfeeding-Older-Children-Ann-Sinnott/dp/1853439398 and other Amazon sites. Since BOC was published, academic psychologist Darcia Narvaez, writing in her blog on Psychology Today, has recommended breastfeeding to age five. Personally, I think any recommended age is arbitrary – children are individuals with individual needs.
Dr. Nancy-
Thank you for posting this article. I agree that we as parents do not support each others’ well-thought out choices in many areas of parenting, not just breastfeeding. I am glad that you took the time to articulate your reasons and your responses to others’ comments. Your article was insightful, well-researched, and shows your thoughtfulness on this matter. It is only through this kind of dialogue that we can even attempt to understand each other. I can absolutely respect a parent’s decision when I see how thoroughly she has thought about it. It comes down to trust: I trust that you are doing what’s right for your children, especially when you can explain it so eloquently. Whether I would make the same choices or not, doesn’t matter. I’m glad that you have the courage to recognize what is right for you and your children and then to act on it.
Hello Nancy,
I just wanted to let you know that the photo of you breastfeeding your 2 and a half year old son and your 5 year old daughter is beautiful. I especially loved the picture of your 5 year old daughter holding your breast in her hands while she’s breastfeeding.
There’s nothing wrong with a 5 year old still breastfeeding; I honestly believe that it’s the most beautiful and nutritional way a mother can bond with her child. Who cares as to what other people think? You’re only giving your 5 year old daughter the most nutritious milk in all the world… Your Breastmilk!! For as long as your 5 year old daughter continues to breastfeed; I know one thing… She’ll never have any kind of illness; if she does, she can just seek the comfort of your breast and nurse for as long as her little heart desires. Once again I say…
EXTENDED BREASTFEEDING ROCKS!!
As a VERY strong supporter of extended breastfeeding… I couldn’t agree with you more! There’s NOTHING absolutely wrong with a 5 year old still wanting to continue his/her bonding/breastfeeding relationship. I honestly believe that the longer a child continues to breastfeed (regardless of the age) the more healthier they will be. Just think, no more colds, earaches, toothaches, or any other kind of illnesses; all because mother’s breastmilk has so many nutritional benefits that are beneficial to the child who continues to breastfeed way beyond their infant/toddler years. Who cares as to what other people think? it’s your body; so therefore, any nursing mother can continue to breastfeed their older child as long their little heart desires!
EXTENDED BREASTFEEDING ROCKS!!
@ Chris. The socks thing happened to a friend of mine outside on a hot August day while she was carrying her baby. Crazy that people feel the need to put in their 2 cents on socks.
@Saxon. I understand the problem with saying no. With my daughter I would sometimes say yes but for 10. So we would count to 10 and she has to stop. Sometimes I say Yes when we get home or yes when we finish cleaning or whatever the situation. So they are not hearing no. I have also told them that what was a yes after X will become a no if the have a tantrum about it. It’s a tough one when you know all they want is some love, but it isn’t always the right time so I get it.
Insightful and very informative article, thank you.
If possible you could also add the benefits to the mOther
Like oestrogen raised reducing cancers, and other hormones like oxytocin etc
Its really American society that has the problem with late nursing, my father who’s parents were from Italy understood that its fine to nurse for however long the child or the parent needs too. What is our obsession with giving another mammals milk to our children–you would never catch a giraffe giving its offspring a glass of cows milk! I nursed all of my children–stopping with the first one around 1 and 1/2 years because of outside pressure. Then I gained enough knowledge and information that the last 4 I nursed as long as I wanted..with the longest being my son who stopped around 4. I had a lot of pressure to stop nursing him, I even turned down a trip to Aruba and Rome that my husband won for Presidents club from his company because I didn’t want to stop nursing…every one said —Go he doesn’t , need you..Oh yes that little boy did..and I could always travel later..I wouldn’t be able to nurse for ever..it was much more important to me to allow him what he needed …I loved nursing..always and forever will remember the little eyes looking up at you , watching you and then when they would stop..break away and smile…melts my heart to think of it!!
I am so glad you posted this!!! My youngest son just turned 2 and alot of people tell me hes too old and he shouldnt be asking for it! I have always known this was best for my child but I never quite had all the answers to the statements people have made!! I would start the question myself and why I have continued to nurse him!! Now I feel educated enough to not feel wrong for nursing my 2 year old! I have one problem and thats when I tell him no. He doesnt like to hear that and throws a fit I eventually give in and let him or put him in his room to cry it out, it all depends on where we are located at the time! Once I can get the respect of no from him I know I will feel that much better about my choice for my son! I wish now that I would have nursed my older son much longer than 19 months, but I was scared of nurseing two children at the same time!! Thank you again so much for this post!!! You speak for the women out there that are still nusring but feel inferior by the people that tell her its not okay!!! You have given us a voice and confidence to do what we already know if best!!
Your picture is beautiful. Keep up the good work. People want to tell you how to do everything about every part of parenting. I had some woman angrily tell me in a mall once that my pre walking child I was carrying in my arms should be wearing socks. She was angry and insulted that I had him in bare feet. Mothers should listen to their hearts and do what is right for our babies/children. The world would be a much nicer place if mothers supported each other; our jobs as parents is already hard enough, and we are already hard on ourselves. If it is not right for you and yours, that is ok, you don’t need to do it. We can support each other in our decisions to wean, and our decisions not to wean. The decision to wean is not easier, and mothers need love and support through that process too. If you do choose to wean, you can still support someone who does not. What is right for us, our situations and our families need not be the same in order to be supportive of each other.
@ Suzie For the record my breast were saggy before I reached 20. Curse of large breasts that developed at 10 years old.
Breastfeeding does not cause breasts to sag. That is a big myth about breastfeeding. It is pregnancy hormones that do that and gravity. Makes no difference if you breastfeed or for how long. If “breast MILK is good for them” then why would you give it to them any other way than directly from a breast. That is what breasts are for what difference does it make how old the child is. If they are still benefiting from the milk why wouldn’t they take it from the breast. Unless of course you have inappropriately sexualized and objectified women’s breasts to be inappropriate to use for their biological function. There is nothing sexually inappropriate about breastfeeding assuming the child is the one who wants to continue the breastfeeding relationship and they are not being forced to. What is “disgusting” to me is seeing children being fed all the processed junk foods that are killing them.
that picture is disgusting. I’m sorry, but there’s no need to breastfeed a toddler. The breast MILK is good for them. They don’t need to be sucking out of your breast to get it and pull at your clothes…this is a very disturbing picture. I can understand a baby, but not a 5 year old being breastfed. There’s no reason to. I’m sure your breasts will be sagging before you reach your mid-life crisis.
Thank you for this article! I wish more people would follow the “mind your own business” advice when it comes to how long mothers and their babies/children choose to maintain the breastfeeding relationship. The child is not being harmed, in fact the opposite is true. This world would be a better place to live if more mothers were as connected and understanding of the bond between mother and child as you clearly are. Thank you again!
Thank you for your post. Reading your breastfeeding journey was so inspiring, and I have so much respect for your choices. I breastfed my first baby for 14 months… and we mutually decided that it was time to be done. He stopped trying to nurse, and I just let it be. My new baby (4m) is nursing beautifully, and I will continue as long as he chooses… whether that is 12 months or 3 years. There is so much judgement from other mothers – not just about breastfeeding, but on SO many topics… I wish we were more inclusive and supportive of each other, despite our many differences. There are so many ways to successfully raise children. Thanks for sharing yours!
Thanks for this I am still BF my 3 1/2 year old and although I KNOW I am doing what is best for her the number of so called friends who think I should have stopped way back is unbelievable. I expected to feed till she was about a year well my daughter had other ideas, and I am happy with her choice.
I think kids need to be off boob or bottle by the age of 2 or around that time frame. When infants get teeth that is the time to gradually introduce them to table food. Breastmilk or formula should be the primary source of nutrition for the first year. but around 6 monthes solids should be used to supplement that and to give them the chance to learn the taste and textures of various foods. I dont see how after 6 months a child can subsist on either formula or breastmilk alone with all of the rapid growth. Im sorry but I think nursing a child beyond the age of 2 is unnecessary in the developed world. I have to wonder who is the benefit for.. mom or the child.. my bet is mom to feel needed and validated. Some claim it calms and soothes the child.. sorry but just lazy parenting if that is the main way one comforts an older child.. food sources of any kind shouldnt be used like that as it can transcend into developing poor eating habits later in life.. Im not picking on BF moms alone.. It irks me as much when i see a kid that age walking with a bottle or pacifier in their mouth. As for BF preschool and school age children.. sorry that is IMO and I vouch others would agree with me but may not say it borderline sexual abuse..too incestuous for my taste. .Our jobs as parents is to teach our kids to become self reliant and independent adults when they grow up. BF them 4.5.6.7 and in some cases 8 is not teaching them to be self reliant and independent.. it is extending a stage of infancy way beyond the pale. My son is 8. he likes his xbox, to play football and be a normal rough and tumble boy. I cant imagine him or any of his friends wanting to nurse on mommys boob. I watched a British made documentary on extended BF, one lady was still BF her 8 year old.. who drew pictures of the breasts and had names for them. Said she never wanted to stop BF.. how is that healthy or normal? I agree BF is good for infants and toddlers for the first 2 years or so of life.. but after that let the child go and grow up. I had to take my sons bottles away cold turkey when he was around 2 and half.. it was tough at first but it helped him transcend to the next stage of his life. There is more to motherhood than BF. If one thinks that BF is the best thing you can ever do for your children.. I pity the person. Sorry if I offend anyone but if one is BF a school age child.. I think a call to CPS is in order. Other such cases of initmant contact with a child would be considered a form of abuse.
I have to say when I saw this pic the first thing that crossed my mind was complete wonder that you could get your 5 yr old and 2 yr old to lie down like that without fighting! I have a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old (both boys) and if one of them was lying on the legs of the other like that there would be hair pulling and pushing and general whining and strife! Well done for that alone!!!
Great article! I would like to share with you my own experience. I have two children who I breastfeed. My oldest child (daughter) was exclusively breastfeed to age 1 yr, she hated baby food and i was only able to get enough in her to assure myself of no allergies. What a hassle, it wasn’t worth it! she went from breastmilk to table food and is a no healthy 20yr old. I stopped when she potty trained, the same day in fact and I knew it was the right time because she put up minimal fuss or agitation. In fact I still remember that day clearly. My second a son nursed till a little over 3…..he was so different he actually was potty trained first. I remember trying to stop nursing him when he potty trained and he cried in great agitation for over 20 minutes the only day I tried to “wean” him because I thought he was getting too old. Rather than listen to all the so called other’s out there I used my own judgement as his mother and said to myself he’s just not ready to let go of this bond. Imagine that! I let him wean himself about 4 months later he was ready…..he then weaned with as little fuss as his big sister and was ready. I always thought that as a US mom that I was different and because I had heard very few stories about moms like me who let the child wean themselves till I found this site. Now I’ll admit my age….My daughter will be twenty-one in a few months and my son’s in 8th grade……I did all of this before doctors and society really started to come together to support breastfeeding let alone breastfeeding older children. Ha-ha this is for any expecting or young moms out there know that you can be successful with nursing your child and have the right to make these decisions for yourself!!! As a side note both my children only suffered one ear infection each during childhood and neither were very sick at all or missed school because of illness during their elementary years both are outgoing and independent people, part of this I attribute to my deciding to nurse them. I feel that it gave the immunities which protected them and the psychological comfort that allowed them to feel confident in exploring the world around them…just my 2 cents.
this is a fantastic picture and post. I am currently nursing my 10 month old little girl and plan on letting her wean despite what family and everyone else says. I honestly hope she continues to nurse until at least 2. If I get pregnant while she is nursing I plan on tandem nursing without a doubt. My husband supports me and we both know what’s best. It is tough to be a breastfeeding mom in a bottle feeding society, but having my husbands support as well as the support of a group of moms that are like minded helps a lot. Women DO need to support women more and respect their decisions regarding breastfeeding. It’s truly a beautiful thing.
You rock! I’m so sorry for all the things naive people said to you about your beautiful picture. Maybe one day we can change the way our society sees breastfeeding. I know that each woman such as yourself is slowly making that change for the world. Keep it up and keep sharing your knowledge and views.
@ Laurel
I think the mother and child should determine how long nursing works for them. If nursing cannot continue and the child is really young then another source of breast milk should be the next option. Donor milk can be made available through milk banks or private donation. The human milk for human babies Facebook page is a great way to get milk donations wherever you happen to be in the world. https://www.facebook.com/groups/21515708855/
I agree that it is probably a good process, since it gives the child vital nutrients, and a comfort feeling (Like with a hug, or something of the like) But what about women who can not produce milk past a certain time? Like my mother, she could barely have the ability to produce milk to begin with, and latter had to put me on a sippy cup and pacifier until I could eat food regularly.
Pingback: Anonymous
Great post! Thank you for sharing, and braving the ignorant criticism. I nursed my 2nd one for 3 years. No one really had the nerve to say something to be about it, but I definitely go the strange looks in public, and I just didn’t care. I was doing what was best for him. I was under a lot of stress when I was nursing my first baby, and I ended up drying up when he was only 5 months old. I was so disappointed. I was so happy that it worked out so well with my second. I am currently nursing my 3rd baby, he is 5 1/2 months now, and I plan to go as long as he wants.
@ Dez
Share as needed
Wow. Hats off mama. I’m tandem feeding and it is *hard work*. Wish you all the best
Loved!!!! And love the pic! You go Mama!!
Great article! My daughter is 6.5mo and my husband and I fight frequently about her breastfeeding past 1 year. Other than recommendations to do so, I have yet to find solid facts about -why- to give him. It is very difficult because I want to do what is best for our daughter. Her doctor just said “I’m not stepping between you,” instead of offering the information and support I needed.
Can I share all or parts as needed to educate some people!? I especially love the “if they can ask for it” and shouldnt they be switched”!! Perfectly said… It can’t get any truer then that!
@Angie
“That picture depicted an extreme and extremes are rarely healthy.”
– Normal weaning is between 2 and 7. The extreme would be nursing beyond 7 years old. I would not consider 5 an extreme as it is quite normal around the world.
“I think it is unsettling that there is little mention of the the psychological ramifications of breastfeeding a five year old. I am not an expert (have a master’s in psych but not a phd) but there are certain boundaries and limits that children need in order to have a healthy attachment to their parents. Breast MILK for an older child is wonderful but breastfeeding is not necessary. Often times, children are made to feel that the parents, the family and the world revolve around them and that is not healthy. This creates children that grow up to be narcissists. Im not saying extended breastfeeding creates narcissists but giving in to every child’s desire does. My 4 year old child asked for a diaper in order to be able to continue to play without disruption. I obviously said no. Children need to be nudged into these transitions.”
– Breastfeeding is not the same as giving in to a child’s desires like to color on the walls or wear a diaper when playing. Nursing is about fulfilling needs whether they are physical or emotional. Would you deny your child a hug if they were hurt or snuggles if they are tired? Why would you deny them nursing if that is what they know as comfort. If you can hug them why can’t you nurse them if that is part of your relationship.
“Also extended breastfeeding can be grueling to a sleepless mother and interfere with her relationship with her husband and other children.”
– Maybe for some and they would have to decide what works best for their family. For me I sleep more because I nurse as it is quick to provide comfort to a crying child in the middle of the night.
“Culture is also a big factor. In America, extended breastfeeding has little to do with nutrition because there is plenty of food. Its mostly about a mother holding on to her child’s babyhood which is all to fleeting. Breastfeeding is such a pleasurable act that it is very difficult to let go of. So is eating, shopping and exercising. They create very powerful chemical reactions in the brain that can become almost addicting. But giving in to these activities is not always in the best interest of everyone involved.”
– Most extended nursing moms don’t do it for themselves. If you talk to moms nursing older children they often have challenges but continue because they believe it is best for their children to wean on their own. Most have mixed feelings on weaning because of course there would be something missed if something that was a staple in their relationship for so long came to and end but also wish to have their bodies back.
“Every case is unique and therefore generalizations are dangerous. But from a psychological standpoint, I think extended breastfeeding should be limited to age 2 or 3 in most cases. I would love to read scholarly articles based on credible and reliable research on this topic. Very interesting!”
http://www.aafp.org/online/en/home/policy/policies/b/breastfeedingpositionpaper.html
NURSING BEYOND INFANCY
As recommended by the WHO, breastfeeding should ideally continue beyond infancy, but this is not the cultural norm in the United States and requires ongoing support and encouragement.69 It has been estimated that a natural weaning age for humans is between two and seven years.70 Family physicians should be knowledgeable regarding the ongoing benefits to the child of extended breastfeeding, including continued immune protection,71 better social adjustment,72 and having a sustainable food source in times of emergency. The longer women breastfeed, the greater the decrease in their risk of breast cancer.73 Mothers who have immigrated from cultures in which breastfeeding beyond infancy is routine should be encouraged to continue this tradition. There is no evidence that extended breastfeeding is harmful to mother or child. Breastfeeding during a subsequent pregnancy is not unusual. If the pregnancy is normal and the mother is healthy, breastfeeding during pregnancy is the woman’s personal decision. If the child is younger than two years, the child is at increased risk of illness if weaned. Breastfeeding the nursing child after delivery of the next child (tandem nursing) may help provide a smooth transition psychologically for the older child.19
WEANING
Weaning is the time of gradually transitioning infants from mother’s milk to complementary foods or an older child’s diet. In this sense, weaning begins with the introduction of solids at the middle of the first year. Complete weaning, or complete cessation of breastfeeding, ideally should be a gradual process accomplished over a long period. There is no evidence that a specific age of weaning is necessary or mandated. Like other developmental milestones, children wean when they are ready, physically and psychologically. There are several weaning techniques that can be recommended when a mother wishes to encourage the process. Medications to decrease or stop milk production are not necessary and should be avoided. Sudden abrupt complete weaning is rarely necessary, and can place the mother at risk for engorgement, plugged ducts, galactoceles, mastitis, and breast abscesses. The child may be placed at risk for infectious illnesses, dehydration, malnutrition, and psychological trauma such as feelings of abandonment.85 In cases in which abrupt weaning is necessary, the advice of a lactation consultant should be sought to minimize the risks.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that “breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child”
“There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer.”197
“Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother, especially in delaying return of fertility (thereby promoting optimal intervals between births).”196
197 Dettwyler KA. A time to wean: the hominid blueprint for the natural age of weaning in modern human populations. In: Stuart-Macadam P, Dettwyler KA, eds. Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives. Hawthorne, NY: Aldine de Gruyter; 1995:39 –73
Articles references in these sections of the American Association of Family Physicians Position Paper: Breastfeeding, Family Physicians Supporting (Position Paper)
69 Scott JA, Landers MC, Hughes RM, Binns CW. Psychosocial factors associated with abandonment of breastfeeding prior to hospital discharge. J Hum Lact. 2001;17(1):24-30.
70 Powers NG, Slusser W. Breastfeeding update. 2: Clinical lactation management. Pediatr Rev. 1997;18(5):147-161
71 Dettwyler KA. A time to wean. In: Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives. Stuart-Macadam P, Dettwyler KA, eds. New York, NY; Aldine De Gruyter, 1995:39-73.
72 Goldman AS, Goldblum RM, Garza C. Immunologic components in human milk during the second year of lactation. Acta Paediatr Scand. 1983;72(3):461-462.
73 Fergusson DM,Horwood LJ, Shannon FT. Breastfeeding and subsequent social adjustment in six- to eight-year-old children. J Child Psychol Psychiatr Allied Discip. 1987;28(3):378-386.
19 Lawrence RA, Lawrence RM. Breastfeeding: a guide for the medical professional. 6th ed. St. Louis: Mosby, 2005.
85 Hamosh M, Ellis LA, Pollock DR, Henderson TR, Hamosh P. Breastfeeding and the working mother: effect of time and temperature of short-term storage on proteolysis, lipolysis, and bacterial growth in milk. Pediatrics. 1996;97(4):492-498.
@Vanessa
As a member of the medical community you are supposed to recommend what is best for that child and family. According to health authorities, like the WHO it is best to breastfeed for 2 years or more. It is recommended to use child led weaning or gradual weaning. When a child is weaned gradually I do not believe they will feel that their mother is turning away from them. Also an older child can understand if the parent explains why they are weaning. Mine understand if I say no. I explain why and they respect my choice of when they are allowed to use my body. A baby cannot understand why their mother is suddenly denying them what they know as loving comfort. I think it is better for the child if they can understand not the other way around. My children don’t “cling” to my breast and they do not question if or why other children do or don’t nurse. My 5 year old knows that her friends don’t nurse but she doesn’t question it at all, I don’t think she cares if they do or don’t.
The American Academy of Pediatrics says:
“There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer.”
http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;115/2/496
This is what the American Academy of Family Physicians has to say:
http://www.aafp.org/online/en/home/policy/policies/b/breastfeedingpositionpaper.html
NURSING BEYOND INFANCY
As recommended by the WHO, breastfeeding should ideally continue beyond infancy, but this is not the cultural norm in the United States and requires ongoing support and encouragement.69 It has been estimated that a natural weaning age for humans is between two and seven years.70 Family physicians should be knowledgeable regarding the ongoing benefits to the child of extended breastfeeding, including continued immune protection,71 better social adjustment,72 and having a sustainable food source in times of emergency. The longer women breastfeed, the greater the decrease in their risk of breast cancer.73 Mothers who have immigrated from cultures in which breastfeeding beyond infancy is routine should be encouraged to continue this tradition. There is no evidence that extended breastfeeding is harmful to mother or child. Breastfeeding during a subsequent pregnancy is not unusual. If the pregnancy is normal and the mother is healthy, breastfeeding during pregnancy is the woman’s personal decision. If the child is younger than two years, the child is at increased risk of illness if weaned. Breastfeeding the nursing child after delivery of the next child (tandem nursing) may help provide a smooth transition psychologically for the older child.19
WEANING
Weaning is the time of gradually transitioning infants from mother’s milk to complementary foods or an older child’s diet. In this sense, weaning begins with the introduction of solids at the middle of the first year. Complete weaning, or complete cessation of breastfeeding, ideally should be a gradual process accomplished over a long period. There is no evidence that a specific age of weaning is necessary or mandated. Like other developmental milestones, children wean when they are ready, physically and psychologically. There are several weaning techniques that can be recommended when a mother wishes to encourage the process. Medications to decrease or stop milk production are not necessary and should be avoided. Sudden abrupt complete weaning is rarely necessary, and can place the mother at risk for engorgement, plugged ducts, galactoceles, mastitis, and breast abscesses. The child may be placed at risk for infectious illnesses, dehydration, malnutrition, and psychological trauma such as feelings of abandonment.85 In cases in which abrupt weaning is necessary, the advice of a lactation consultant should be sought to minimize the risks.
Articles references in these sections of the American Association of Family Physicans Position Paper: Breastfeeding, Family Physicians Supporting (Position Paper)
69 Scott JA, Landers MC, Hughes RM, Binns CW. Psychosocial factors associated with abandonment of breastfeeding prior to hospital discharge. J Hum Lact. 2001;17(1):24-30.
70 Powers NG, Slusser W. Breastfeeding update. 2: Clinical lactation management. Pediatr Rev. 1997;18(5):147-161
71 Dettwyler KA. A time to wean. In: Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives. Stuart-Macadam P, Dettwyler KA, eds. New York, NY; Aldine De Gruyter, 1995:39-73.
72 Goldman AS, Goldblum RM, Garza C. Immunologic components in human milk during the second year of lactation. Acta Paediatr Scand. 1983;72(3):461-462.
73 Fergusson DM,Horwood LJ, Shannon FT. Breastfeeding and subsequent social adjustment in six- to eight-year-old children. J Child Psychol Psychiatr Allied Discip. 1987;28(3):378-386.
19 Lawrence RA, Lawrence RM. Breastfeeding: a guide for the medical professional. 6th ed. St. Louis: Mosby, 2005.
85 Hamosh M, Ellis LA, Pollock DR, Henderson TR, Hamosh P. Breastfeeding and the working mother: effect of time and temperature of short-term storage on proteolysis, lipolysis, and bacterial growth in milk. Pediatrics. 1996;97(4):492-498.
@ Larisa
My opinion is not to have your kids too closely spaced because pregnancy interferes with breastfeeding (not the other way around, except for conception). The body protects the unborn baby and the one on the outside will have to fend for itself, so to speak. If you got pregnant right away your first one may only have breast milk for a short time and then have to wait for the baby to be born before getting milk again. In the dry period the older one would likely need another source of nourishment (donor milk or formula). They may self wean from the breast when there is no milk and may not be interested again when the milk comes back after the next birth.
@Jayce
My question is why are the 7 and 10 year old nursing? Is it because they want to? If it is because they want to then I would argue that being teased is less important to them then breastfeeding or else they would stop. They value breastfeeding over their friends opinions. In my opinion that is a great lesson to learn. Live by your own values not that of your peers. If they were somehow being forced to nurse then that would be a different story and would actually be abuse.
@Sherry
Thank you for sharing. I especially love that you shared how breastfeeding even after 4 years isn’t always easy and enjoyable but you did it for your kids as long as your could. Your own definition of could. We all have reasons why we stop nursing, hopefully it is because you or your child decided to stop not because someone else said you should. Way to stand up for you and your child. I know many moms who weaned because of family pressure. I have a friend whose dad would stand outside in the rain (literally) over being in the same building as her nursing her baby. She weaned earlier than she or her daughter wanted very admittedly because no one in her family supported it.
@Teri
I agree that the original title of this post is not relevant. I do believe a lot of the misconceptions people have about breastfeeding is because all of us grew up in a bottle feeding culture but that really isn’t what this post ended up being about. So I have changed the title, I meant to change it yesterday but didn’t get around to it yet. Frankly, we live in a anti formula and anti breastfeeding culture. Or maybe a breastfeeding until 6 months, then formula feeding, then cow’s milk culture.
I do stand by the statement that breast is best because it is for however long it works for that family. If for you that was one week, I believe your baby benefited at least immunologically from that week. There are always situations that force us to make decisions that are less than the ideal but that doesn’t change the ideal.
My thought when I said the bullying was worse for breastfeeding moms is the accusation of molestation. I can’t imagine being accused of worse but you are right that it isn’t about one vs the other especially since many of the commenters had breastfed for some period of time, I presume they formula fed for some period of time too since many said it was unacceptable after 6 months.
What is with the mommy wars? Can we not all just be confident that we have made educated decisions for our families and that others too have made educated decisions. We all make the best decisions with the information we have at the time and in the situation we are in. Why is it that someone choosing something different than someone else makes people so defensive? That’s a different blog post I guess.
Thank you for your comments. As I am writing through the eyes of someone who doesn’t bottle feed and was specifically responding to the comments people left on my photo I did stop to look at the other perspective of how what I was writing could be taken. I appreciate your perspective.
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Hi Nancy,
I just wanted to thank you for your wonderful post. I myself was breastfed until about 4 years olds as that is when (according to my mother) I weened myself. Through the years I was always so embarrassed to tell people that personal fact as the response was always the same – “eww really??? Gross!!”. Now I have a daughter of my own and though I get great breastfeeding support from my mon, it is hard to ignore all the very strong opinions of my friends and society in general telling me to only breastfeeding for 6 months to no more than a year. Deep down I always felt that working with my little ones needs to decide when to ween was a much healthier option. It was truly refreshing to read your post, which also had armed me with very useful answers to some of the questions and accusations that you faced. Thank you for you support and knowledge and I wish you all my love and peace for your family and upcoming birth:)
Wow, it is fantastic that you have written all this info in such a clear and precise way, Thank you x I am a BF mu to my son who is 18mths old . He has my milk as and when he wants it along with toast and oranges! He is so healthy, vibrant, cheeky and HAPPY! Since my journey began I have been determined NOT to let others oppinions and social conditioning affect OUR journey. I have discovered that so many people settle for following the crowd. Not only is their child at risk of missing out but they also miss the vast benefits…HOW CAN NATURE EVER BE WRONG….people have been brainwashed into doing what the majority do without thinking for themselves…..Ive heard some shocking things like been injected when the baby is born to stop the milk??! and excuses like sore nipples because they did not want to BF (I knew this to be untrue) Its hard not to come accross as judgmental but it is such a way of life for us Its hard to believe that people cop out….it is about women not being supported enough but for heavens sake we all have to take responsibility to do whats right…….I LOVE YOUR PHOTO AND I AM GOING TO GIVE MY SON ALL HE NEEDS UNTIL HE WEANS HIMSELF>>>>if people dont want to look then dont! XXX
I can see where you’re coming from that women who nurse beyond a year or so are often bullied for doing so. I know moms who have experienced this firsthand. However, I feel that you cheapen your arguments in a few places, and are actually adding to the mommy wars instead of doing what it looks like you’re trying to do overall.
Setting up a bit of a contest at the beginning (it’s worse for breastfeeding mothers) actually doesn’t help make your point, it distracts from it. Pain is not a contest. Accusing perfectly good mothers of child abuse–for formula feeding or for “extended nursing” (or whatever you want to call it; I personally dislike the term because of some of the reasons you stated)–is horrific. The terms “child abuse” and “molestation” get thrown around casually to the detriment of all–bottle feeding moms like me, breastfeeding moms like you, and most of all victims of true child abuse/molestation. I’ve met individual moms who feed their kids a variety of ways (EBFing, pumping, FF, etc.) who have had individual experiences with bullying. Claiming that one group is more maligned than another gets peoples’ backs up when we really should be focusing on the folks who seriously misuse terms like child abuse, accusing perfectly loving moms of a horrific, heinous crime while real criminals (Penn State, anyone?) get away with years of abuse.
Your statement “The fact is that breastfeeding is best, period.” is directly contradicted by the following statement. For me, breastfeeding was not best–at all. I’m confused–do I fall under your category of needing to support moms for however long breastfeeding works (which was, in my case, ~5 weeks before my medical drama reared its ugly head, should have been less than 1 week if I’d listened to my body instead of my militant lactivist pediatrician, and will be 0 weeks for my next child)? I was physically unable to care for myself while breastfeeding, much less my helpless 5-wk-old. Breastfeeding exacerbated an underlying medical condition and put my health in major jeopardy, which means my baby’s well-being was also in major jeopardy. Because of people (including that pediatrician) who say “breastfeeding is best, period” I was a miserable wreck for the first part of my baby’s life–time I will never get back again. How was this best for my baby’s health, or mine? Breastmilk is not the perfect food for all; the perfect food is accompanied by a mother who is able to care for her child. I don’t regret formula feeding. It was best for both of us. But I do regret all the time I spent sobbing, being told by bullies online and in doctors’ offices I was a selfish, stupid child abuser, when I could have been happily holding my precious newborn.
Statements like “breastfeeding is best, period” are supremely alienating, and mean that people like me who otherwise agree with you–bullying breastfeeding moms is beyond wrong–are automatically uninvited from standing by your side. You seem to imply that you believe that bullying of bottle feeding parents exists but haven’t really seen much of it–let me assure you, it’s ugly out there. It’s an odd kind of awful symmetry that the people on both ends of the bell curve–those who don’t nurse and those who nurse the longest–seem to experience this weird full circle of bullying. Some of the accusations are the same and others have parallels. Bottle-feeding parents are the last people on earth who should accept bullying of other moms when all those moms are trying to do is feed their kids the way they find works best. I frankly don’t care if the mom has decided 180 degrees opposite what I’d do, I just want the bullies to STFU. Please don’t push me away.
About the bottle-feeding culture. The bullying of women who extended nurse does not mean we live in a bottle feeding culture. You said yourself most of the bad attitudes, misconceptions, and outright untruths came not from some formula company or someone like me who couldn’t nurse past a couple months, but from fellow breastfeeding moms. Hardly the mark of a bottle feeding culture. Your point that moms need to support each other could not be more valid; but instead of blaming it on bottles, how about instead we tackle one of the REAL problems, which is the “your baby should be exclusively on solids and cow milk” culture? My baby’s allergic to dairy, like everyone on my mom’s side going back 4 generations, and I cannot even tell you all the ways in which we live in a “dairy culture.” 1 in 13 kids is allergic to a food; dairy is the most common allergy among children. Maybe if we focused a little more on fighting the “OMG KIDS NEED COW MILK OR THEY’RE RUINED FOR LIFE” assumption we’d do more good for more people.
Unfortunately, many breastfeeding moms make themselves look very small when they try to justify bullying (overt or veiled) of bottle-feeding parents because we’re supposedly the majority. Just because you’ve experienced bullying doesn’t mean we live in a bottle-feeding culture any more than the bullying bottle-feeding parents experience doesn’t mean we live in a breastfeeding culture. It just means that unfortunately, moms are damned if we do, damned if we don’t, regardless of how we do much of anything. Given the way I was treated by my baby’s first pediatrician, and how breastfeeding was just flat-out assumed by all the other health care professionals I met, it still shocks me that people can say with absolute certainty that we all, 100% of us, live in a bottle-feeding culture with a straight face. Certainly the fact that you were bullied by other breastfeeding moms would imply that at least in the case of extended nursing, bottles are just a convenient scapegoat.
If the goal is to get moms to support each other, next time I suggest you try reaching out to–well, all moms. You’d probably find allies in places you wouldn’t expect, and the mommy wars are so bad that I think we’ll need as many as we can get to put a stop to the meanness.
Nice article!
I chose to breastfeed both of my children for way longer than most….I loved nursing my son, while the second time around I found it harder. They also both had different ways of being around nursing. My son was a quick nurser and so thankful in his demeanor. Whereas my daughter wanted to nurse for 40 minutes or more (I think I stopped every single nurse she experienced short of her desired length of time-always a little cry or whine-oh and I felt so sad for her always having it taken away before she was finished- yet I couldn`t seem to stop myself from saying enough already)!!!! And she was demanding about it, it was like she owned my breasts (maybe just in comparison to my boy).
I nursed my son until he was 4 and half and then slowed it down to completion when I was preggo with my daughter. I nursed her until she was 4…..then 6 months later started nursing her again because of my greater understanding of the importance of saturated fat in a child`s diet. I am not kidding you the milk flowed instantly on the first try after a 6 month break (she even belched after!)- says something about intention and breastfeeding- just sayin`- I went another 6 months and then stopped because I personally just couldn`t take it anymore (not breastfeeding itself, that is easy part- it is the having to sit down and be still part that was a challenge with my busy mind and body (a problem of our culture and our go go go mentality).
These are the 3 reasons why I would chose to nurse my babies until they completely self weaned (in a perfect world where I lived completely congruent with my values):
1) Immunity (to pass on antibodies through my breastmilk)
2) Nutrition (to give them a nutrient dense source of fat, fat soluable vitamins and minerals required for bone, dental and immune health).
3) Self weaning means they get the chance to decide when their own digestive and immune systems are ready to take over -in hindsight, I would have let them both self wean, even if it meant until age 7 ish if I had understood the necessity of saturated fat at the time (I was just starting to “get it“ after raising them predominantly vegetarian….young children need milk, yes, but from their own mothers- that would be the first and most obvious source in the nature of things).
My daughter is going on 6 and she still asks with a sad face why she can`t nurse.
My choices and opinions are not popular at all but I really don`t mind. My upbringing trained me to be able to live independently of the good opinion of others. My own parents cornered me (when my husband wasn`t present, isn`t that ironic) to let me know that they thought it was weird and gross that I was still nursing in public when my son was just 1!!! Yes, 1! They pulled out all this peer pressure shit like “no one else is doing it and you shouldn`t either“….they didn`t care about what the world health organization had to say about it…as long is what I did, didn`t reflect back poorly on them (in their mind)! It has been 10 years, so they might even now look back on this event with regret (or maybe not)-my response to “we don`t want you breastfeeding openly in this house“ was “Ok then, no problem, you`ll have to come to our house to see him“… Bottom line, I care more about my children`s well being than pleasing my parents or anyone else for that matter.
We mommas have to stand strong together to protect our children`s right to be fully nourished- and even when we don`t live up to our own ideals, we can still tell the truth of how it really is for us-rather than justify…if you don`t want to nurse, just own that. We all get it. Only when we get real with one other can we create a breastfeeding culture.
oh and I should also say that I exlcusively breastfed them both until they were 12 months (another cultural faux pas)!
Wow, despite the snarky comments my own husband has made about “extended” breastfeeding, I will nurse as long as my sweet boy wants to. It’s issues like these that makes me wish I lived in Laos like my grandma, who nursed all four of her children well into their toddler years.
You inspire me! :’)
Hi Nancy…..I loved the photograph you posted and was involved in the debates yesterday. I would consider myself a lactivist and am still proudly nursing my my 3 y/o. I agree with all the points you’ve made. If I could change anything, it would be that breastfeeding is normal. Not best…just normal and natural. Everything else is not normal or natural.
I posted about you on my FB page and a friend raised some interesting points and we both would love to hear your input (or maybe read another post regarding psychological effects of extended breastfeeding). I have her permission to post her comments.
Friend’s comment:
“That picture depicted an extreme and extremes are rarely healthy. I think it is unsettling that there is little mention of the the psychological ramifications of breastfeeding a five year old. I am not an expert (have a master’s in psych but not a phd) but there are certain boundaries and limits that children need in order to have a healthy attachment to their parents. Breast MILK for an older child is wonderful but breastfeeding is not necessary. Often times, children are made to feel that the parents, the family and the world revolve around them and that is not healthy. This creates children that grow up to be narcissists. Im not saying extended breastfeeding creates narcissists but giving in to every child’s desire does. My 4 year old child asked for a diaper in order to be able to continue to play without disruption. I obviously said no. Children need to be nudged into these transitions. Also extended breastfeeding can be grueling to a sleepless mother and interfere with her relationship with her husband and other children. Culture is also a big factor. In America, extended breastfeeding has little to do with nutrition because there is plenty of food. Its mostly about a mother holding on to her child’s babyhood which is all to fleeting. Breastfeeding is such a pleasurable act that it is very difficult to let go of. So is eating, shopping and exercising. They create very powerful chemical reactions in the brain that can become almost addicting. But giving in to these activities is not always in the best interest of everyone involved. Every case is unique and therefore generalizations are dangerous. But from a psychological standpoint, I think extended breastfeeding should be limited to age 2 or 3 in most cases. I would love to read scholarly articles based on credible and reliable research on this topic. Very interesting!”
My reply:
“I definitely think it’s an important topic, especially in an ignorant culture like ours. How long did you breastfeed “name of friend’s child” again? I forgot…..”Every case is unique and therefore generalizations are dangerous.” Absolutely! I also believe that the social pressure many moms experience affects the mother’s decision to wean. I believe that setting no boundaries sets up children for failure but I dare to think that mothers who allow their children to self-wean want to hold on to the babyhood. I for myself believe it’s wrong to force a child off a mothers breast. There are great heath benefits of extended breastfeeding and in many cultures is normal to allow a child to self-wean (and it’s even mentioned in the Bible). Extended breastfeeding is our family doesn’t affect my sleep or “my daughter’s” and it doesn’t negatively affect the relationship with my husband (but neither does co-sleeping for that matter).”
Friend’s reply:
“A lot of breastfeeding issues in this country have to do with the value we place on independence and modesty. It’s not always about being ignorant. Its about cultural norms (agree with them or not) What is appropriate in one culture may not be in another. Different cultures value different things and its just different (not better or inferior.) Although the health benefits of breastfeeding do exist, there are other important factors to consider as well. You are preaching to the choir my friend! I LOVE breastfeeding and did so proudly until my children were beyond 2 years old. But for me it got to be very draining. Everyone is different. I’d love to read about breastfeeding older children in AMERICA cuz that’s where I live.”
I love it all! Especially the picture. Fantastic post! We are sending t0 you lots of hugs
I agree nursing is a woderful thing for those that can do so. I had hoped to be able to but sadly couldnt. However i feel that the yr mark is the cut off. It is personal opinion but it is not appropriate to me to have a child nursing. It is gross to me! I have a friend that nurses her 10 yr old,7 yr old, 5 yr old and 2 yr old and I think it is ridiculous! Not just because its gross but because it IS damaging to the child. their 7 and 10 yr old have to go to school every day and be teased and picked on because they nurse. I see no way thats not damaging. I commend bf moms but there needs to be a liine drawn somewhere!
Your photo is beautiful, your family is beautiful. Thank you for sharing and for writing this wonderful post. I am already getting pressure (from my parents, inlaws, and my GP, of all places!) to give up breastfeeding my 20 month old! I can’t imagine what you must go through. Lucky I’m pretty thick-skinned like you on this issue.
As for the removal of your photo from Facebook, there is a petition going around at the moment: “Exempt non-sexual breastfeeding images on Facebook from removal for nudity”. I don’t know how it’ll go, but all we can do is try. The link is:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/protect-breastfeeding-on-fb/
Dr. Nancy, First of all thank you sooooo much for this article!
What you are doing is so important for all of us and I feel your support as a BFing mother so much!
I have a question about tandem and full term BF. My baby is 3 months old and i want BF him for as long as possible but I also want to have more children soon (4+). How would I go about BF all of them for a long time and make sure it is healthy for the baby that hasnt beeb born yet?
thank you!
I love this picture! And I am so proud of the momma’s out there that put there children’s needs above their own! Which is what being a parent is all about! I am currently nursing my daughter, 5 months old. I plan to continue nursing for as long as she wants. seeing other women nurturing their children at breast gives me hope for a more supportive BF culture. It is natural after all!
Nancy I stopped nursing my now 2 year old son when we found out I was pregnant with my now 3 month old son, when I started having uncomfortable cramping. He was perfeclty fine when I originally weened him, but now that I am nursing the baby he is very sweetly trying to nurse also. I have not allowed him to and felt very guilty, where I live you don’t see a lot of moms nursing their babies let alone their toddlers. I’m considering letting him. Any suggestions, and with your 2 1/2 yr old and 5 yr old if they ask do you nurse them when you are places besides your home? Thank you
Ok couple things: Breast IS best but we are free to make choices. Not smoking while pregnant or nursing is best. Not drinking alcohol while pregnant or nursing is best. After my experience with nursing I have to say that our culture DOES NOT adequately support breast feeding. We struggled. ALOT. And ultimately I had to pump 4 times a day. A very great effort on my part and the part of my husband was required to make it work. A handful of devoted friends encouraged me and provided support but the majority did not. In gesture, word and action they told me that it was not worth doing all of this. They were wrong. For 8 solid months Mike and I worked very hard to provide Jace with the best possible start. It was exhausting, depleting and inconvenient and I would do it all all again if given the chance. My son deserves no less then the very best I can give. If a bottle is the best that your body or your situation can provide then give it with love and tenderness but never believe that your child isn’t worth the extra effort because I promise you they are.
I nursed my (unbeknownst to me at the time) ADHD son until he was 6 1/2 yrs. As he got older, it was more for comfort. As a WIC lactation peer councilor, I would tell Moms treat this child as if he/she will be your only blessing. You will find yourself talking a little more time, having a little more patience and appreciating this short time of bonding with greater gratitude. Little did I know I was to live these words, after 4 miscarriages at the age of 37, my son was to be my only child. My bibles were, Mothering Your Nursing Toddler, The Child Bearing Years-Susun Weed, and Mothering Magazine-Enjoy! Time will tell, Nursing your child now will in the future save humanity from extinction. Love Your life-Peace
My own children weaned themselves without any hassle at around two years of age. They never had anything out of bottle, not even water. Never tasted a rubber nipple.
Cows may not drink human milk, but that doesn’t mean humans shouldn’t drink cow’s milk. Cow’s milk, in its fresh natural state, is an excellent food for growing children and especially important for teens. The arguments against cow’s milk come from animal-right extremists and have no basis in science.
I think your post is great, your picture is beautiful and you are just down right wonderful, thank you
It is so refreshing and reassuring to read such normalising posts about extended breastfeeding, I’m feeding my 2.5 year old and he told me yesterday he will stop when he is 5 years hahaha fair enough I think
Please keep posting xxx
i love your photo.I so wanted to tandem feed but my daughter self weaned when she was 11 months , i was 3 months pregnant.She said “yukky” and gradually stopped.My son later continued till he was 16 months. Im glad they weaned them selves but i wasnt ready to let my babies go.They are 3 and 4.5 now but i have recently relactated to help a friend and I have fed her child from my breast.There is something so special and nurturing to feed a child. I am no longer expressing but her child sometimes has a suckle for comfort if she is fractious and Mum isnt available.It is so much more than getting food and drink.Its called “being a Mummy” thats what mummys are for.
What a great response, well done you!
omg i love it when i was working at a Doctors office they asked me was i going to nurse my two babies i said yes they all where like why you just need to give then a bottle and be done with it needless to say my son is 14 months and he still nurses all the time and i still get looks like omg shes so wrong and even people come up to me and tell me i need to stop or go to the bath room and do that i just say as long as he wants it he gets it im not going to make him stop so get use to it or leave. this page was so good for me to read to see im not the only one thanks
ayla
Hi from NZ
, While I have never had the experience of tandem nursing , I did BF my first child till 7 and my second is still bf at near 6 . I think you are an awesome Mum and your children are very lucky to have you . I can’t believe Facebook removed your photo ! We need more exposure to breastfeeding in our very uptight and sexualised Western culture . It is amazing both the ignorance about BF and the negative perceptions .People are very negative , almost as if by supporting it they were saying they didn’t do the right thing themselves ……they are very black and white – mind you the medical profession encourages this . My teenage daughter remembers BF and is a huge supporter of full term nursing as well as homebirth – go the next generation !
I am still nursing my 27 month old, and everyone keeps asking me when I’ll stop. I vaguely say “I guess I should stop soon,” or “I guess I’m crazy for going so long,” but secretly, I love it! There’s something so special about nursing my child as she ages, and I find it hilarious how she talks about it (eg. “mama, there’s no milk left in that one!) I don’t know what will happen when I get pregnant again, but we’re not in any rush, so I’m happy to keep going for now
As you said, it’s all about what the mother and child need/want, and there should be somewhat of a mutual agreement to stop (that said, I know some children require a lot of encouragement if their mothers are ready before they are!)
Beautiful post! I completely agree with everything. I like that you used evidence to counteract all of the silly untrue arguments about breastfeeding toddlers.
I love the pic & your post! I agree that breastfeeding is looked down on in our society which makes it extremely difficult to achieve!
Personally I can’t see myself breastfeeding that long but to be honest I have never tried! My first i got to 7 months and my second i breast fed for 5. There were reasons why i had to stop but i wish i could have continued longer. I am currently pregnant with my third and after a lot of self education I plan to breast feed as long as possible and I have the support to do it this time. My auntie breast fed her kids until 8 & 6, at the time although I was young I remember family saying that it was wrong and I guess that had impacted on me until I got my own information.
I don’t see how another mothers choice to breast feed could be wrong! Each parent is different and has the right to choose what is best for them an their family! Some may not understand that choice but we have no right to judge or put others mothers down for their choice! I actually have great respect for mums who breast feed longer than societies acceptable age. Well done for this post an thank you for showing so much support to all of us!
Congratulations. I have been nursing continuously for 13 years today (as of 5pm EST when my oldest was born
). I have six children. They have all nursed for over 3 years (oldest was over 5 before he weaned). I have tandem nursed and triandem nursed. I have nursed through 5 pregnancies and like you, my shortest pregnancy was the first. He was two weeks early. Each one after that was later and later… really if I have a 7th I guess I might get to 2 weeks postdates based on my ‘trend.’ I have gotten many of the same comments. I love when someone says “if they can ask for it, they are too old.” My response? If your child can ask for the bottle or food are they too old for that too? Simply ridiculous of course. I also “love” (huge sarcasm) the idea that this is “for the mother.” LOL Nothing could be further from the truth. And it is impossible to force a child of any age to nurse… just ask the moms dealing with a nursing strike. Good work. I wish you a calm, joyful, beautiful delivery.
wonderful post and great for sharing important breastfeeding info with the world. I breast fed my son for 2.5 years and felt it was the best thing for him. it’s a natural process…we can watch cows, cats, dogs, pigs, etc. feed their young , but a women and a baby latched to her boob causes a stir.
I agree about the culture not quite supporting it. I moved six years ago from the US to Canada and I find that in Canada nursing is much more publicly acceptable. However…even so when my daughter self weened at 19 months several people remarked, “oh, finally.” Thanks for the article.
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I also loved the link to the Mongolian story. It feels perfectly natural for me to be nursing my three and a half year-old, but sometimes I get sick and uncertain because of the terrible things that people say. Bad enough for me, but disgusting for all of those poor little ones out there who do not get the nurturing they need because of social pressure…..Seriously, we need a revolution!
I love this post!
My two daughters are both adults now plus I have a 3 year old granddaughter so it has been a while since I tandem nursed. I am saddened by the note from the Mom who said she went to LLL for support and did not get it. I had been a leader for a number of years and both me and my co-leader tandem nursed…our philosophy in the meetings and privately was the breastfeeding relationship should last as long as it was mutually satisfying.
Not many people know that my daughters were 3 1/2 and 4 when they each weaned. I , too, have had to defend my decision to continue nursing and I, too was met with a lot of exasperated looks of disbelief. Frankly, I see no difference in long-term nursing vs the use of pacifiers. (Never used them!) Children NEED the security and comfort provided. I chose to provide that closeness by breastfeeding. And I applaud other mothers in their choices, whether it is to breastfeed a short time or a long time.
Thank you for coming out with this picture and post. Even amongst friends, many bfing mom’s don’t share that they are nursing their toddler. I saw the post before it was taken down and shocked to see a large number of negative posts were from nursing mothers themselves! Instead of getting mad I feel saad that we live in such an uneducated and ignorant society. Thanks for that post and picture!
Thank you! Lovely post. I am so sick of women getting offended when I mention that I am nursing a 19 month old. My daughter needs it, she begs for it and cries for it. How can I say no to that? I really don’t think ill be nursing her at 15, and she is healthier than almost every other child I have ever met. I love our special time together where she pats my cheek and smiles at me while nursing. I can’t imagine giving that up!
Do you think it’s more damaging for a child to be weaned when they can remember it and verbalize it to you and others? At that point the child may feel that the mother is turning away from them by choice, not necessity. also, at a certain age the child will question why other children aren’t clinging to it mothers breast. As a member of the medical community I feel that the long term impact of weaning at an older age can be damaging for the child. I welcome studies that follow the sexual development and associations of children at are weaned after turning 1, as well as their social and emotional development.
While I could never see myself nursing until 5 I would never down someone who does. My youngest is almost 18 months and we are still nursing people give me trouble about it a lot. So I would never do it to anyone else.
I absolutely love your responses to the rude comments:)
Also to note, although I nursed through both of my last 2 pregnancies and nipple stimulation does stimulate labor my pregnancies were each longer than the one before 38+6 then 41+1 and then 41+2. No causing premature labor or anything like that. My non nursing pregnancy was the shortest of the 3.
Rachel,
I have to say most tandem nursing moms I have talked to don’t particularly enjoy it. They do it, like you, because they believe it is best for their children. I have felt the over sensitivity but not to the same extent as you. I have been known to lose it too. “Don;t touch me!” With my first I couldn’t stand it if her hand crossed the mid line of my chest, juts made me crazy. With my second it’s that he throws himself on my and tries to grab at my bra. The feeling of his fingers on my chest is like nails on chalkboard but it is a good lesson for him in respecting others bodies and lesson in patience for me.
Nancy
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Thanks for this post.
I hear people complain that they are told they are bad mother cause they bottle feed. It is probably true that people are saying these things. But I definitely find as a breastfeeding mother I get just as much or more slack about my choices too. Everyone thinks their way is best, MIL, mothers friends etc, telling me to wean at 1. I dont get it. Just be supportive of choices, and if I want to nurse my toddler then why do you care?! Its so frusterating.
I agree with everything! I am so jealous of your picture though. I got pregnant with my second hen my first was 14 months and I was so excited to tandem nurse. But as soon as the second was born I could not nurse my older one. I have no idea why but I could not stand it. I’d scream, pull out my hair, scratch my chest until it bled and grind my teeth until he unlatched. The guilt was unbearable. I did it for 8 months like that and I tried everything to make it bearable to tandem nurse. I’d nurse them together, separately, I tried herbs for D-MER and I went to LLL for help only to be met with judgmental stares. It was awful. I still have scar tissue on my chest two years later from all the times I clawed at it.
When I got pregnant with my third, the second one was 22 months. I had to wean her. Not just for me but for her. It still breaks my heart that I put my kids through that. I’m so jealous of tandem moms. I so wanted to do it.
I love post but my favorite part was the picture. Mostly because I am currently nursing a 34month old and a 16month old and starting to think about having another. While I grew up in and am surrounded by a wonderful nursing support system to me the thought of nursing three seemed rediculas. Perhaps it’s just my own current sensory overload. But seeing another woman do it makes me feel like I don’t have to stop nursing my oldest before I get pregnant and I can continue to let him do whats best for him. I know this was a little unrelated but THANKS AGAIN!!!
I think the photo is fabulous and your response to the inappropriate comments is awesome. I’m tandem nursing my nearly 4 y.o. and my 8 month old. I’m trying to gently nudge my older child toward weaning because I get severe nursing agitation when he nurses. But I feel horrible about it. He’s just not ready. I’m very lucky that I have a supportive family and supportive group of friends. There have been comments though from people who find it quite strange.
Great post!!! Keep up the good work mamma!!!